Cristina's Choice
by girlinterrupted22
Summary: S403  My version of S4. Cristina has a life altering decision to make in the wake of the notwedding without the help of her friends. Will she face the music, or will she cover up and hide? Rated in terms of subject matter, for safety.  Oneshot.


It is Saturday morning, one hour before I have to go inside the office. One more hour to wring my hands in fear, one more hour to decide.

I glance down to check the hands on my watch. I never wear a watch, it doesn't suit my personality. I always expect things to start when I arrive. The hands inch slowly around the center piece under my intense scrutiny. If I hold it up to my ear, I can almost hear the mechanism within.

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

So maybe I wasn't supposed to get pregnant again. It's my own fault, I am a doctor, I should have known better. Who gets pregnant with one fallopian tube? Apparently, I do. What are the chances? Slim. Not none, I should have known that, I shouldn't have been this stupid…I have no excuse. Some kind of miracle, I guess. I was stupid to think it couldn't happen. We were stupid. But it was okay when we were getting married, Burke was here, and it was okay. I mean, I would have been okay…if we got married. Which we didn't. He ruined everything. Wait…I ruined everything. I don't know…We ruined everything? God, I'm an idiot.

It was so easy last time. It was a simple decision—my whole internship and my future surgical career were laid out in front of me, and it was simple…abort. It should be simple this time. An easy, snap decision…that's what I should be making right now. And I'm not. I can't. I'm a resident now. I could balance this, I could be a mother and a surgeon. Bailey does it every day. I am tough, I am a strong woman…I could do it too. If I wanted to. Do I want to?

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

There are only forty-five minutes left. Just forty-five minutes until what my mind perceives as certain doom. But is it? Is it really?

I took in the gleaming silver door again, it's nameplate drilling a hole in my brain. It couldn't possibly be a bad as they had told me, could it? I mean, I'm supposed to be a doctor. I'm a surgeon. I'm tough…and I know the procedures. They won't tell anyone, it will be a secret. Everything will be okay. What else can I do? What other choice do I have? It's not as if I really want to do it, not this time. Burke broke my heart, and I thought I was incapable of human connections before? I can't trust, I can't love. I am seriously incapable of loving another human being. I am not ready to be responsible, and I'm not ready to have a family. Burke is right. Burke is always right…or he was…'till he left. That's not right. None of this is right. I'm so confused now…I don't know what to do anymore.

Not yet. I can't do anything like this yet. I'm not ready.

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

Fifteen minutes now. So much time, yet so little.

Have I decided yet?

No.

But in a way…maybe I have? God, I don't know. There is no other way out. I don't have another choice. But then, on the other hand…Why did Burke leave me? He said…that he loved me. And he wanted me to be free. The most important thing in my life has been being a surgeon, it has been for as long as I can remember. Burke left me because he thought that I couldn't live with a family, that I couldn't live unless I was free. I could have this baby; I could prove him wrong. I really could be a good mom. I could provide for it. I could love it. I know that it's in me somewhere. Burke is wrong about me. Burke is wrong.

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

Five minutes.

Five lowly, stinking, measly minutes.

I guess I did have a choice, at least back when it happened. I had a choice then. I could have chosen not to be with Burke, not to do the things I did…not to earn the reputation that I now hold.

I had a choice then, and now I have a choice again. I could take a life away, or I could give a life, a mistake, what little I have. The choice is mine now; Burke is gone. The choice is mine, and mine alone. If I screw it up, then that's it. It's my own fault, and no one else's. I hold the power in my shaking hands. I hold the watch up to my ear again, the ticking matching with my racing heart.

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

It's time to go in now, my last chance to decide.

I have the chance to make a wrong a right. I hold this life in my hands. I can be the better person…I can make a difference to somebody; to myself. I can do something right.

It's time to go in, and I find myself turning around and walking away.


End file.
